Thoughts I Wrestle!

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I want to be real and honest with you ladies. I have always strived to do that here. But there is one area I haven't been, that I want to be up front on because a lot of you have reached out. Loads of encouragement, and questions about when I will be back to blogging daily again. 

After two years of consistently writing every day from my heart, I took a little break back in fall 2015. It wasn't intentional, but I think it was the Lord's way of saying its time to rest a bit and focus on the move we were about to make to church plant again. And, frankly I felt like I had ran out of things to say. I wasn't in the grime of things anymore. We weren't in the heat of ministry, we were nearing the end of our two year period of rest from ministry we were on. 

I struggled with it. I wanted things to say. I wanted the Lord to be teaching me something, so I could share it with you. So I tossed with the idea of writing devotionals to you. But that didn't feel true to what I always wrote. I'm not really a devotional type writer, even though I wish I was. I feel at home writing to you about the grime, struggles, and mistakes I have made in church planting as the pastor's wife. So, I rested in knowing I would be able to pick it back up again come fall 2016, once we were on the ground church planting again in our new city. 

But, August rolled around, winter came, spring and then summer 2017. Here we are a year later, and though I may have had a few blogs here and there along the way, it hasn't been consistent. I would lie to you if I said I don't miss writing. I would lie to you if I said I don't miss messing up, so I can grow and then ultimately help one of you who may be going through the same thing. But I would also lie to you if I said I miss the after effects of the nitty gritty, ugly, and shots fired at me the enemy likes to fire. 

We so often admire and desire the amazing words people have to offer to our storm. But don't realize the crazy storm they had to endure themselves beforehand that got them to the place where they can stand. A lot of my stories I use to write on the daily came out of storms and vulnerable places in my heart that God was exposing and using not only to help you but to heal me. If you want to know where my heart and head has been the last year as a 2nd round church planter's wife in her first year again, let me share with you.

Some of these thoughts I have wrestled with because, should a pastor's wife really struggle with these thoughts...should a christian? What will people think? 

Thought 1: We all know those people who just have the spirit of God so tangible in their lives. Every time you are around them you can sense it, and feel it, and you leave them just feeling so encouraged and blessed to be able to sit in their presense? What is it? Why are they different from me, or from other people who do life in ministry. Shouldn't pastors, leadership, and people who spend their lives furthering His kingdom have that same thing? I want it, I want people to leave me feeling what I feel (we feel) around those rare few people we can all name. 

Thought 2: If Christ calls us to die to ourselves. Doesn't that mean ourselves in our entirety? A lot of my natural tendencies/characteristics/personality traits people don't always feel loved by. & if I am called to be Christ-like and love my neighbor. I want people to leave me feeling unbelievably loved and cherished by Jesus working through me. 

I have been wrestling with those this past year. Asking myself hard questions. Really digging deep and soul searching. I know who God has called me to be and all the different blessings and gifts he has given me to steward. But, I want to ask myself daily and weekly two questions.

1. Who do I want to be.

2. Who do I want people to say that I am. 

This isn't a question about feeling insecure, or coming from a place of feeling unhappy with who I am. But I want my life to count for something, and I want two things. To love Jesus with everything that I am, and live out of the overflow of that (ultimately dying to myself.) And, I want to LOVE people so well, that they experience Jesus with every encounter I make. (You can read more about this idea in my previous post, The Mayor's Wife)

Thank you so much for reaching out. You are heard. You are valued, and loved. I appreciate your sweet words of encouragement. I appreciate you being patient and sticking with me through my loud seasons and my QUIET ones too. If you could join me in praying for me. I would love to get back in the groove of writing again. I have been asking my life group girls to be praying for me to start finding an outlet to fill up my tank, and I know this is where it is at. I just feel all sorts of mixed emotions jumping back in the groove of it again. But, mostly excited.

xo a girl who sleeps with the pastor