RESET: Make Friends Pastor's Wife

Most of us when we became a pastor's wife, were given this advice-

Find friends outside the church.

Photo Credit & All Rights Reserved ©2015 Kevin Rooney

Photo Credit & All Rights Reserved ©2015 Kevin Rooney

After being a pastor's wife for many years, I understand where this advice is coming from. However, when we tell new pastors' wives that, we set them up immediately with the feeling of loneliness that already comes along with this role. Being told to make friends outside the church makes us feel like we can't take off the pastor's wife hat to anyone. Let me tell you now, don't ever pick up the hat. That hat is full of expectations, burdens, and loneliness. 

You see, before we became pastors' wives, we were just normal human beings. Now all of a sudden with this title/role we feel like we aren't normal anymore and can't have friends unless they don't go to our churches. This mindset I am afraid is hindering us from friendships God wants to place in our lives.

As you know with being a pastor's wife, we often feel alone because we can't relate to anyone. Unless you are a pastor's wife, do you understand what a pastor's wife is going through. And, as pastors' wives at a church, leading women, we can't vent, let down our guards, and tell them all that is going on in our hearts and behind the doors. They won't understand, or respect us anymore as pastor's wife, or worse leave the church. 

But, just because we can't relate to them on the level of pastor's wife, doesn't mean we can't relate and be friends with them on our "normal" level. I am a pastor's wife yes, however I am also a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a friend. You don't tell a newly wed, find a husband outside your house. You don't tell a sister, to find a sibling from another family. That is absurd advice. So why should we tell pastors' wives to find friends outside their churches.

We can relate to people exactly where we are. We don't have to be the untouchable lonely pastor's wife. Relate to women in your church who are also moms, relate to the college girl that needs encouragement, relate to the old wise woman who can encourage you where you are. God can use anyone to grow us and challenge us, even if they aren't pastors' wives or understand what this role may bring.

When it comes to needing to let things out we are walking through and we don't feel comfortable telling people in our church, find a mentor/friend/confidante who you can let the icky out to about this role, So they can encourage pray, and love on you. Confidante's/mentors are imperative, crucial. We need them more than we know in this role.

Maybe our advice to pastors' wives should be, make friends. A lot of them. The church is about to become what you and your family give your life for. The people are going to be around you A LOT! Become friends, become family, and love them as the leader God has equipped you to be.

xo a girl who sleeps with the pastor

( For more on friendship in church, check out this past blog, Q&A How Do You Establish Meaningful Relationships That Aren't Just Obligatory Because You Are The Pastor's Wife?)