You know those people in the church that are oddly quiet? Well, that's me. While this isn't another power to the introvert blog, it is about leading. I look at all these other women in the church that are strong leaders, who can speak without tripping over their words. Women whom people understand, and admire how God is using them. And I long to be that. Christine Caine, Beth Moore... or how about other pastors' wives that are doing great things. Shelley Giglio, Bobbie Houston, and the list goes on. These women with such grace and confidence, leading like they were born to do it. How do they do it? They were obviously born for their call, but was I?
The first couple of years, I made any excuse not to get coffee with women. When popcorn prayer around the room came, I avoided it like the plague. No, not because I didn't love coffee, or praying. I just didn't want to disappoint people by not being the leader they thought or expected I was. Better safe, to keep quiet and distant. Than, people know the pastor married the wrong gal. Our worship pastor's wife on the other hand, had the personality everyone loved. She was beautiful-of course, extroverted, friendly, hugger, smiler, everyones friend. She was definitely the popular kid in school. She could lead others, and had the confidence doing it as well. For so long, I compared myself and thought, the pastor has married the wrong person. He needs the worship pastor's wife doing this with him.
Comparison lead to one thing after another. Bitterness, jealousy, and discontentment. All of which hindered me from growing. You would think not being who I wanted to be yet, would inspire me to do anything and everything to become the confident leader I desired to be. But, everything I was feeling was killing me inside. It was hurting those around me God called me to lead. Hurting my husband (pastor) who didn't have the pastor's wife he needed, but a wife who didn't believe in herself. And, hurting my relationship with the worship pastor's wife.
I truly believed, God had the wrong girl. The lies the enemy was telling me was what I believed. Unfortunately, I hate to admit it. It took many years, of tearing down these walls I had built, before I finally heard what Christ was whispering to me all along. He was whispering, "You are and have always been the perfect choice. I have equipped you right where you are for this season. I had the plans I have for you before you were born. Trust me. Lean into me. Be the pastor's wife I know you are and am creating you to be."
No, I may not be awesome at speaking, yet. I may be quiet in large groups, still. I may have days I forget and compare. But God isn't done with me yet. He says I am the perfect choice to do this alongside my husband. Therefore, it may not be today. It may not be tomorrow. But this girl is continuously flourishing, and while I may never be exactly where I "think" I should be. Jesus says, I am exactly where I should be. And someday, I will speak without tripping over my words. Someday, I will have more confidence and extroverted-ness in a large group of people. But I can tell you now, comparison and fear will never hinder me from listening to Jesus, and knowing He has equipped me for this call, and chose me, the perfect pastor's wife for my husband, and the church.
xo a girl who sleeps with the pastor