Around year two/three into the church plant a staff wife and I just didn't see eye to eye. She was the outgoing, friend to everyone. I was the introverted, friend to few. Without getting into details, our personalities just didn't click. You know those people. Neither of you are at fault, you're just wired differently, and it takes some work. Immaturity and maturity were a little at fault here. You see, she was five years older. She had full confidence in who she was as a staff wife. So what she didn't understand, or know was that I didn't.
I was in my early twenties. I had never been a pastor's wife. I know people don't realize this, but there is a big difference between being married to a staff leader at church and being married to the pastor. There is a different call, responsibility, and weight. Not saying one is greater than the other. But, I am saying the role as a pastor's wife is huge. And being young, I was still figuring this thing out, and flourishing where I was. What I didn't understand was why she didn't like who I was. But, what I didn't know then, was that it wasn't because she didn't like who I was. She just didn't know God hadn't finished on me yet and that someday He would grow me and stretch my introverted personality into more of the pastor's wife He desired me to be.
I think this is one aspect of being a pastor's wife that so often confuses people about pastors' wives. People think if God has placed us in such a huge role, then we must be at the top of the good christian, wisdom, knowledge, personality charts. People think if we were placed in the role as pastor's wife, we have got it together and have it all figured out. This is actually quite opposite. We aren't any better than any other woman. We might be even lower on the charts than the average christian woman. We definitely do not have the pastor's wife thing figured out even if we have read a handful of pastor's wife self help books, and listened to a few pastor's wife podcasts. Truth is, we have no clue until we are in it. Once we are in it, it isn't like putting on our costume for a play and -bam- we know who we are as a pastor's wife. NO. This is a process. Five/Six years later, and I am still learning and growing into who He desires me to be.
But, when people expect us to be awesome, and we aren't, it confuses them. If we mess up, or don't click just right with someone, people can't believe it. Then before we know it, the church congregation can't believe it. And after that, people are packing up and leaving. All because a gal doesn't have it all figured out. Don't get me wrong, no one is at blame here. It is a sneaky enemy who sneaks judgement, expectations, and bitterness into our hearts. We expect the congregation to know we don't have it figured out, and to have a little more grace with us. And, they expect us to have it figured out. Both are wrongful expectations we have placed on each other. Expectations are breeding ground for heartache.
I was hurt in that season. She was hurt. Even when I look back now, it still stings. Not because of what happened. But because, the enemy was sneaky. The whole thing was confusing. I don't know why we didn't see it for what it was then. I think so often, when we are caught up on whichever end of hurt we can't wrap our minds around the big picture and see it for what it is. We are too focused on ourselves. We think it is all personal. But it isn't, the enemy's work is strictly business.
Pastor's wife, keep growing and flourishing into who God has created you to be. Know without a shadow of a doubt He has equipped you in this season exactly where He has called you. Love people well. Drop the expectations on yourself and others. When heartache comes, see it for what it is. Embrace people wherever they are on this journey to the Savior.
xo a girl who sleeps with the pastor